Day 78: ‘Which animal would you be?’

I’M coming back as a tortoise. 

Over the past three nights, I’ve had in total seven hours sleep. Of course it’s not poor Erin’s fault, those chicken pox spots are itchy and make a good night’s sleep virtually impossible.

Somehow I’ve stayed awake all day, but during each and every of those waking days, I’ve looked around at the cats snoozing away and thought: “I wish I could just sleep like you two.” 

But the fact is I can’t. There’s nothing built in me that can make me nap of an afternoon, even when Erin was newborn and I was up every two hours at night breastfeeding, I still saw out every day bar one. 

So you can understand why the cats do make me jealous with their ability to just drop, sleep and chill, wherever they are, whatever time of day. 

But if I had the choice, I wouldn’t come back as a cat. I can also see the pitfalls.

Firstly there’s fur balls - they just don’t seem pleasant. Then there’s toddlers..they pull your tail, attempt to lift you by your back paws, they give you a cuddle that essentially means two stone of pure child resting on your rib cage and there’s of course traffic (RIP Dibble). 

No, being a cat is too dangerous. 

I’ve thought it through and I think I’d have to be a tortoise. 

My friend Louise is mum to our little shell bound friend, Horace. He’s got a great gig. He sits in his box and watches TV, has a nice wander round the house and the garden every now and then, and when he sleeps, he really sleeps! He’s in a purpose-built toddler proof shell, you never hear of a tragic road accident involving a tortoise and did I mention the sleep?

Horace’s life hasn’t been short on adventure though, oh no, he’s been on many an expedition! Somehow he actually ran away (something which amazingly also happened with my mum’s tortoise when she was little). It’s hard to imagine how either of these incidents happened, but I like to think that Horace and his Horace-kind are sneaky little critters, figuring out their route, taking their time and fooling the lot of us. 

Tortoises also live to a ripe old age, but don’t appear to age at all. Forget all these lotions, potions, nips and tucks, our slow-footed friends have the real anti-ageing secret sussed - lettuce!